The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
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Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
What is going on? 😅
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone