Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
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Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
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Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’