If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
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Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Ooops wrong house😂😜
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
This one’s “Alex”.