During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Dance like you’re not the father
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
it be like that
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
A woman drives into a bar.