A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
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3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Anyone want a chair?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
i was baptized in a car wash
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min