Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
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[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.