Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
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My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
this came to me in a vision
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait