*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
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Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
first you must answer his riddles
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”