I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.