I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
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Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
where do you see yourself in five years?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos