There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
#Thanos #MondayMood
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
me 2 months after i graduated
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”