A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
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Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*