I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.