[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
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I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment