You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
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Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I feel it
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Flock of bats
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Why font matters.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????