Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
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4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.