I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
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I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.