I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
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The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.