*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
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Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.