Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE