It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
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The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Most fashion shows these days…
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?