The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
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I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal