Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
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imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Admin smashed it 😂
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.