Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
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When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.