I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
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me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you