Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree