There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
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[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
eggs benadryl
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed