Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?