There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
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Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I think my mom just blocked me
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.