Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
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[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
*gets down on one knee*
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
A family that plays together cheats.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.