8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.