Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
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Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller