What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
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A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
iPhone X
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?