I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
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Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.