Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
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[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands