My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
God has abandoned us.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?