[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.