If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit