The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
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Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.