I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
classic mixup
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*