My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
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I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
No regrets in 2018
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Unimpressed
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed