I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
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Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
You wish you had this many chins.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.