I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I have a type: disappointing
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus