“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
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I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie