Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
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My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes