You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
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Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Heroic Misunderstanding
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.