If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
You Might Also Like
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding