I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
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I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
me refusing to leave twitter
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients