The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
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[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.