welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
You Might Also Like
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire